Reflecting

Sleep has become my enemy over the past few days. I can't seem to get comfortable no matter what I try.

Pillows, hot baths, sleep sprays, soothing candles.. Nothing can relieve the soreness I feel down my side and inability to get comfy (the worst part is that I know this is only going to get worse!)

The only position that I find vaguely comfortable is lying on my back, which really is only a short term solution as we all know it's a pregnancy no no.

There is no point getting frustrated about this as it's all part of pregnancy so just has to be endured!!

As I'm up through the night, and ready for the day to begin at around 6am (all prep for the months ahead) I've had a chance to reflect on a few things...

My life has been a whirlwind this year. I was married at the end of May, went straight on my honeymoon, came home, brought a car as we were on a comedown.... a few weeks later we discovered I was pregnant & a few weeks after that we purchased and moved into our our first proper home. 

All this has meant that I've not really had a second to sit down and process everything. Technically we're still newlyweds enjoying our first year of marriage... although it doesn't really feel that way. The joys of pregnancy really do dispel any notions of romance unfortunately.

Luckily, our wedding day was fabulous and something I'll always looks back on with the biggest smile on my face. Our honeymoon was heaven, the best trip of our lives and something I'll remember for ever. I think our happiness was radiating for the entire trip and perhaps even a little infectious... people were so kind to us, going out of their way to make us feel special with bottles of champagne, complimentary desserts sent to our room and so on...

One particular day will stay with me for a lifetime.

The start of our honeymoon was California, the finish was Hawaii. Whilst in California, we hired a car (a mustang convertible... amazing) and drove across the State. The most spectacular part came towards the end of this part of the trip. Driving through the Big Sur....

To be honest, pictures don't really do this drive justice. It was utterly breathtaking and for me so unexpected. I had no idea what was in store for me when the (then) fiancé planned the route.

In the lead up to the Big Sur drive, we had stayed a few nights at these beautifully quaint B&Bs. One particular place that I adored was in a little town called Carmel. 

The B&B was called the Vegabond House Inn... The wonderful service, beautiful surroundings, wonderfully attentive staff and general atmosphere at this place were so amazing. 

The two nights we spent there will for me, always be remembered as what made our honeymoon. 

Hawaii, LA, Vegas, all fabulous but this place was true, simple romance. 

After reluctantly packing our bags for the next stop on our journey, we set off for the Big Sur. The drive was so spectacular and we had so much fun listening and singing along (for the umpteenth time) to the CDs I had prepared ahead of the wedding for the trip.

After driving around for hours, we were getting a little peckish and wanted somewhere to relax for a little where we could take in the views. I had spotted a place a few miles back and suggested we turn around and go back there. I always like places that are packed, not only from an atmosphere perspective but because I love food and hate the thought of a bad or 'wasted' meal. This place had cars queuing to get in... perfect. As time was no object, we turned back in search of, what I now know was the Nepenthe Restaurant. A place famed for serving lunch & dinner 800 feet above the Pacific Ocean.

As we walked in, we were greeted by the view... it was unreal. I was also pleased as the food looked pretty good! As we sat down, we opened our menus and started to discuss what we were going to have... I opted for a turkey sandwich on rye, the hubs went for a steak sandwich and chips.

After ordering I noticed the couple sat beside us, largely because the lady was speaking with a English accent. She actually sounded a lot like Sharon Osborne... Northern twinge that had been slightly Americanised. As I do, I very quickly started chatting to her. The hubs always gets annoyed that I'll chat to anyone and tell them my life story in exchange for theirs!

This couple were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary by recreating their honeymoon. They were so lovely and despite being 35 years ahead of us, totally understood us, and also carried that aura of happiness about them that people in love do. 

By the time our food came, I knew everything about them. How they'd met, their two sons names and the struggles they'd faced financially in their first few years of marriage. We were explaining to them how we were looking for a house in London and how impossible it was to find due to the outrageous house prices.. we were telling them how we'd most likely end up living out of London (as we do and it's the best) and how we imagine that most of our single friends who don't have the luxury of two incomes will likely struggle to ever get on the property ladder....

Perhaps not the most romantic of conversations but we were all very much on the same page. 

Our food arrived around 20 minutes into the chat at the sam time that their bill arrived. I felt that they paid their bill quickly so as to not infringe upon our time together and enjoyment of the food. 

As they got up to leave, and we said our goodbyes, the lady from the couple came over to us. She squeezed my arm tightly and said the following words I'll never forget...

"Have the most wonderful life together"

It sounds so silly, but the way she said it was so sincere. So real. It almost felt like a blessing of some kind.

A few seconds later, they were gone & the hubs and I were left to reflect and discuss the conversation. We were quite honestly quite touched by them. For the next ten minutes or so we quietly enjoyed our tasty sandwiches and took in the stunning view. 

As the waiter cleared away our empty plates, he said the following to us... 

"That lovely couple who you were chatting to have paid for your meals. They asked me to wait to tell you until they had left. They have asked me to offer you wine & dessert, anything you want is covered." 

Now, I don't know about you. But no one has ever done anything for me like that before. To not even allow us the chance to thank them. A true act of kindness. 

We of course ate and drank nothing more so as to not appear greedy and because we were truly moved and in shock. What fabulous people. I can't believe we didn't even ask their names.

For the rest of the day, well the rest of the trip really, we couldn't stop thinking and talking about it and have of course pledged to one day do the same for another couple.

That day will stay with me forever.

The reason I am telling this story is because I am trying to teach myself to live in the now and enjoy every moment rather than always thinking about and planning the next thing. It is also important to take a second to sit and reflect. We all move through our lives at such a fast pace and rarely take the time to stop and think. 

Instead of stressing over the countless hours I have on my time at the moment due to the inability to sleep... I am going to use this time to think.  Not just about Baby J and the millions of memories that lie ahead, but to think back and remember all the wonderful memories already created.

A bittersweet farewell to the morning commute

For the past seven years, regardless of where I live exactly, my weekday mornings have been the same.

Alarm goes off, I reluctantly turn it off (I hate having to lift my arm out of the warmth to do so) and climb out of bed. Once I'm awake, I'm awake so snoozing isn't really my thing.

After a quick wash (I'm an evening bath/shower person) I'm downstairs to make breakfast. I usually whisper to the hubs to ask what he wants before rushing downstairs, to keep within the very short allocation of time I have for this part of the morning.

The next five minutes are when I properly wake up. 

Bread/bagels are quickly popped in the toaster, on non toast days cereal is poured and the kettle is flipped on. Whilst bread is toasting and tea is brewing, the tray comes out and plates and cups are arranged accordingly, at this point appropriate cutlery is removed from the drawer and ready for use. As soon as the toaster pops and the kettle clicks I'm on fire, spreading and pouring away as quickly as possible.

After I've slowly carried the tray up the stairs and placed my breakfast on my dressing table, I put the tray on the bed ready for the hubs. By this point he's in the shower. Daybreak is turned on the telly, the straighteners are flicked on and I'm ready to roll. The next quarter of an hour is my beautification and news catch up time.

Once my hair is done, my makeup on and my breakfast eaten I'm ready to get dressed. By this point the hubs is ready and pretty much always waiting in the car for me (we drive to the station to catch the overground to London) 

This is my frantic time, I never know what to wear and particularly at the moment (with lots of things still being in boxes) don't know where anything is!! After sprinting across the house half naked to find a matching pair of socks, I'm in the car and ready to go.

We always panic on the journey (this is due to the fact that the hubs likes all our clocks to be set up to an hour fast, we don't actually know which are an hour, twenty minutes ahead and so on… not annoying at all!!) that we've missed our train. 

This has of course never happened.

Five minutes later, we're on the train and on our phones. This is usually where I write my daily blog. The train is dead for the first few minutes until the second stop where it properly fills up. By this I'm lost in my own thought and imagination so barely notice the crowds.

Twenty minutes later, I kiss the hubs goodbye and leave the train.

It's funny thinking about the people who have an impact on your day. The hubs always tells me about a man he passes every single day who sits outside a cafe near his work. He's always smiling and chatting and sipping a mug of tea, come rain or shine.

For me, there is a particular man at my station who impacts my day. For some reason my train pass  never works in the machine (I think it gets deactivated by my phone). Some of the staff at the gates give me a hard time about this. One particular man always smiles when he sees me and rushes over to help me by opening the barrier. He's so sweet and in the 30 seconds or so that we are together each day, he makes me smile.

After this is where the tone of my morning tends to change a little. This is where I enter the tube. I only travel a few stops, but in those few minutes I'm usually irritated at least twice. Whether it's being shoved and bumped on a busy carriage or annoyed by a stupidly loud music devise and headphones, my morning happiness tends to be disrupted.

After a ten minute walk from the station to my office, I'm at my desk with a long glass of cold water to revitalise me before I plough into my emails.

A week today this all ends.

A week today, bar a few errands, I'll have nowhere to go. Yes I'll still drive the hubs to the station in the morning to avoid the car park fee (well, at least until the weather improves) but that's it.

I'm so tired, and most certainly ready to rest up before Baby J arrives, but the reality of life is going to be so weird.

Even little things like the chap at the station who makes me smile everyday will be missed and I'm sure forgotten quite quickly.

I know once Baby J arrives life will be busy, manic and full of joy (as well as vomit, crying and poop) but until then, I think I am going to find it very strange not coming to work everyday. The first few weeks will be fab as I'll feel like I'm on holiday, then we have the Christmas break which will be amazing and full of friends, family and presents :-)

It's January that I am a bit anxious about… those mornings where I'll wake up and realise that I truly have nowhere to go… It's going to be very strange.

I know it's just the start of an amazing journey but after seven years of the same routine, three years before that of University and years before that of school… this is the first time in my life where (at least for a few months) I have no real purpose other than sorting out my house and preparing for my little boy to arrive!!

I think the blog is going to help me through this transitional period… I am going to pretend it's my job to build a little sense of routine into my day!! 

I hope that helps to ensure I don't feel lonely and a little bit useless :-(

"Make mine a water"

As this is my first pregnancy, this will be my first Christmas season sober. I make myself sound like a bit of an alcoholic here, I assure you I'm not but I do enjoy a glass (or three) of red wine in an evening.

Up until now, I've been so concentrated on my pregnancy that the thought of alcohol has turned my stomach. I've not missed it all, in fact it's been really nice.

I suppose this is supported by the fact that we've just moved into our new house, so have been so busy that we've not really been out and about in the last few months as much as usual, and where we have it has been civilised lunches, teas and dinners rather than wild nights out in bars or clubs!

I've never been a fan of clubbing to be honest, and I've never been someone who enjoys getting 'wasted'. I'm far to much of a control freak to enjoy feeling out of control.

I do enjoy alcohol though, particularly a glass of red wine over dinner in the cold winter months.

This is not something I've thought about much at all recently, but as we fully enter the Christmas season it is hard to avoid.

Yesterday was my first work Christmas do, it was with clients, so was never going to get too out of control but a lot of booze was consumed.

It was quite strange being the pregnant lady on the end watching the afternoon unfold (we went for Christmas lunch at a place where you can play ping pong after eating)

Luckily for me, there was an activity after the meal that I could partake in. If anything, being sober helped as it made me look (and feel) like a professional ping pong player (I'm honestly terrible) versus everyone else who were a tad inebriated!

One thing I don't think people realise is quite how much they drink. I was watching and could see cocktail after cocktail and bottle after bottle being consumed at a rapid pace. Whilst it was all good fun, it is a little worrying...

For me, yesterday was fine. The meal was, if anything enhanced by my pregnancy. In order to not feel left out of the the festivities, I prepared a Christmas quiz (I love a good quiz) which went down very well and which became even more fun for me to host as people drunk more and more! Plus, ping pong is fun and the activity was during the day so I was home (with a bit of a sore back from picking up ping pong balls) at a reasonable hour.

The next thing I have to content with is my work Christmas do. The theme is The Great Gatsby, and I've got a new ASOS sparkly navy dress ready to wear.

I've already had a little bit of stress over the menu... Both the meat and veggie options have non pregnancy friendly ingredients included in them, and apparently the chef at the venue is refusing to make any changes (great!)

Whilst my outfit, and hopefully my dinner is now sorted... I'm fully aware (after years of experience) that this is the big one.

Everyone will be on top form and ready to drink and party the night away.

Instead of dreading it, I've decided to embrace it...

For one, I'll be the only sober person their so I'll see and hear everything that goes on... This could prove quite entertaining!!

Another thing I'm looking forward to is the cocktail bar... I'm planning to befriend the waiter and have him concoct a range of tasty (virgin) treats for me!!

And then there's dancing. Dancing is always fun and I do love a good boogie (I sound so old and uncool) so pregnant or not pregnant I'm rocking that dance floor (Baby J likes it when I dance and tends to get involved!)

The only thing working against me is tiredness...

Whilst I've not suffered a lot of the negative side effects of pregnancy, I have felt utterly exhausted for the past 6 and a bit months and there is very little I can do to fight it...

I'm worried that come 8pm I'll start to get tired and the daily dread of the commute back to the burbs will start to set in.

Not much I can do I suppose!!

The key for me is not to dread it... I've got my new 20s style outfit (complete with a feathered headband and faux fur bolero) and I'm going to do my best to enjoy it...

I just hope the true misbehaving doesn't start until I've left… Sometimes it's best not to see/know these things!!!

The beginning of the end...

Yesterday I entered my third (and final!!!) trimester. It's a very strange feeling, as up until now time has literally flown by.

The first trimester was cut short five weeks short as we didn't actually know I was pregnant. Whilst the following weeks of fear and anxiety made up for this, the ease and joy felt after the twelve week scan meant that the second trimester went by so so fast and thankfully without a hitch.

I've been very lucky so far in my pregnancy (a fact that lots of people like to repeatedly tell me!!!)

I've suffered no morning sickness, so far no stretch marks and for the most part have felt wonderful.

Yes I've suffered a few bits & bobs...

Tiredness, increased worry, (it's been a big thing for me so I count it as a symptom!) bad skin, gas, growing pains and a little bloating, but nothing that has had a serious negative impact on my life.

I've also got a relatively small bump (a fact I've now come to terms with) so it's only now that I'm really starting to outgrow my normal clothes.

As of last week, I did begin to notice some changes. For one I started to suffer a pain under my left breast, this pain only heightened when I attempted to sleep, or rest on my side. Not ideal when you're only allowed to sleep on your side. As the days went by, the sensation continued and started to increase a little. I felt nothing all day, it was only at night when I sat on the couch, or got into bed that it kicked off.

I didn't panic about this pain, but I did tweet about it, and searched it on Google. According to the net, it could have been any of the following... ribs stretching, organs moving or (this ones my favourite!) feet!

When I asked my midwife about it at a check up yesterday, she answered with a slight chuckle...

'It's really nothing, and to be honest you're only going to get more and more uncomfortable as time goes by"

Great.

Last night in bed, for the first time I started to read the back end of my pregnancy books. The chapters I've been avoiding for the past six months. Not the bits about when the baby is here (I like those chapters and have read them many times!) the bits about the symptoms of trimester three... And the bits about the birth itself.

Whilst for me, the birth is a means to an end and something women have been doing forever... I do have a very low pain threshold and do tend to over dramatise things in my mind (thus the denial and refusal to read anything on the matter so far!!)

In truth, I am a little frightened. Not only about the labour itself, but about the next few weeks. I'm told the baby will double, maybe even triple in size before I'm full term... That's an 'interesting' prospect!!

I'm told I could suffer a wealth of awful symptoms due to the babies growing size...

And I'm told that those few symptoms suffered in trimester one are likely to make a reappearance soon.

It all sounds rather daunting and rather terrifying, but it's the beginning of the end. And what an end it is (all being well).

I love the feeling of kicks on the inside, so can only imagine what hugs on the outside will feel like.

I've adored being pregnant, knowing that I'm responsible for a growing Baby J so, can only imagine how wonderful it will be to have the title 'mother' and be responsible for a living, breathing, tangible person and for the first time, properly share that with the hubs.

It's going to be a challenging twelve weeks! When I'm not moaning to the hubs or blogging/tweeting about my experiences... I'll be whispering the following to myself repeatedly "a means to an end, a means to an end"

If you're in the same position... I advise you to do so too! It's a hell of a journey, but the prize at the end (I imagine!) is priceless ;-)

The 4D Scan

Yesterday my mother-in-law asked me if I was planning on having a 4D scan.

Having never heard of the concept before, about a year ago they became overly popular and I was seeing them all over the place.

I still remember seeing one for the first time (quite a step change from the usual scan picture I'd seen... much more graphic and play-doh like!)

This could be because up until a year ago they weren't available, or because up until about a year ago I had very very few friends with babies (so just wasn't exposed to it)

Having discussed it for about a minute with the hubs his view on the rest was pretty clear. In his mind it was unnecessary and just a bit weird.

Usually when it comes to things like this, I find myself passionately disagreeing with him.

Not this time.

We had The Harmony Test early on in my pregnancy, a test that comes with a decent price tag but is very reassuring at the same time. Whilst the test does tell you the baby's gender (which some may agree, and some may disagree with), the main reason for doing it is to discover any genetic disorders your little one may have.

This test wasn't a discussion. The second we heard about it, the second we both knew we'd have it.

The 4D scan is a little different for us. Aside from the fact that it has no medical benefits so I can't in my mind really justify the cost in my mind, I don't really like the images produced. The babies always look a little squishy. I also am not sure I want to know what Baby J looks like.

Yes there are benefits. You can pretty much see all the features on their face. My friend had one before her little girl was born and I couldn't believe it when I met her. It was like I already knew her... this particular friend made the 4D scan her cover photo on Facebook... Each to their own!

However, by the time you have the scan you're nearing the end of your pregnancy. For those of us who discover our baby's gender in advance, we have a good few months to start imaging what our little one will be/look like. Seeing what they look like is just a little too much for me. The idea actually makes me a little uncomfortable.

I am a neurotic control freak and surprised myself a little when I realised my opinion on the matter, but seeing Baby J's little face for the first time is one of those moments I'm most looking forward to about the birth... second to hearing his first cry (of course!)

I never judge anyone else for their opinions, and am sure that a lot of people out there can't understand why you would want to know the sex  of the baby in advance... I suppose years ago it wasn't an option so some people are still getting their heads around it. Some love the idea of the surprise on the day (for me this wasn't an option, I had to know and have zero regrets about finding out, I love referring to Baby J as a "him" rather than an "it" and discovering that he's a little boy just made the whole thing so real for me and for the hubs)

I wonder what the developments will be in the future!? I imagine that in a few years from now everyone (in Western countries) will have 4D scans as they'll become the norm, but what else?

Will we be able to have a camera in our belly's watching the entire pregnancy process?? Maybe we will be able to hear them??

We will have to wait and see I guess…

For me, technology, on the one hand is mind blowing and awesome and on the other, scary as hell!

Either way you won't be seeing a 4D picture of Baby J anytime soon, I guess you'll just have to wait for the real thing :-)

Waddling through Winter Wonderland

Yesterday, a train ride, a short stint on the tube followed by a wee walk took me, the hubs and some good friends through the doors of Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland

I love Christmas and I love Christmas markets so I was pretty excited about the whole thing!!

As we entered I have to say that I was pretty overwhelmed by the crowds of people, nervously rubbing my bump as people pushed and shoved past me.

After a few short minutes we were in the thick of the fair and the crowds had settled a little. 

We were surrounded by Christmas. It was gorgeous, ornaments, tress and sparkly decorations were all around and my senses were alive with the sweet smells of cinnamon, sugar & spices.

Whilst the majority of rides were out for me, that didn't stop the fun at all!!

Food I have to say was the star of the show, kicking off with a delectable lamb and mint burger... I'm not a huge burger fan, but this was special. Flavoursome, succulent meat topped with flavour all packed into a crispy bun... Amazing!

After lunch, we headed for the games! We saw someone walking around with a giant toblerone and decided we had to have one! Too bad we failed miserably at the the game (you paid a few quid and were allocated a number that had to appear on the big wheel after a monstrous spinning.... The most effortless, high risk game in the whole place!!) so walked away empty handed, despite my friend offering the game keeper a few quid for one as he saw the pure look of disappointment on my face!

After that we trialled a dart game, and guess what... We (well the hubs) won me a giant penguin sporting a festive hat!!! I was so proud especially as this game actually required some skill!

Next, the four of us tried a stupid game. We we're give 50 (sounds a lot I know) small rings that we had to throw onto moving empty milk bottles. It sounds easy, but 50 tries later we walked away truly disappointed. The sad thing is that you only have to get one on to win a giant stuffed animal... In my mind this particular game is physically impossible!!!

Back to food... Next on to the agenda was chocolate & fruit covered dark chocolate... UNREAL. 

Truly indulgent and delicious. That was followed by a few choccy covered almonds (not my choice, I just pinched a few from my friends bag!) nevertheless, they were incredibly tasty! These were polished off by a few bites of a doughnut stick purchased by the hubs. 

Food wise, a success.

Ride wise, so fun! I only went on one.  It was called the fun house. We did ask the guy running it if I was ok to go on it, and he said yes. The fun house was filled with tricks and treats that made us all behave like kids! A complicated maze, a 'Grease' style moving wheel to walk through, shooting water and wind, and travelators! A few things weren't really pregnant friendly, but they were easy to avoid so not a problem and I was so pleased to have been able to go on something!!!

After that, the group (minus preggo) went on a scary roller coaster. The funny thing is that I really don't like fast rides and now have a legitimate excuse outside of fear... People don't put any pressure you on when you're pregnant... Normally I do suffer a little from peer pressure!!

After we had eaten our body weight in naughty treats, won some prizes and been on some rides we explored the shopping opportunities! I purchased a gorgeous scarf after having lots of fun trying on an array of ridiculous animal hats!

Aside from the fact that the nearest tube station was shut on the way home, it was a smashing day and being pregnant, if anything made it more fun! No one judged me for eating like a piggy and I was under no pressure to go on scary looking rides!!!

I wonder whether we'll go next year and what Baby J will think!!!!