Friday, 16 May 2014

The low days

Being a mum is everything I thought it would be and more. It's terrifying, wonderful and fulfilling all at once and I wouldn't change an ounce (yes everything is now measured in ounces!) of it for the world. Harry is particularly happy first thing in the morning and the overwhelming love I feel when I walk into his nursery each morning and see his little smiling face looking up at me is my absolute favourite thing in the world.

Having said all of that, I'd be lying if I said there weren't some "low days". Before I'm criticised for being a bad mother, this had nothing to do with Harry. He is perfect and when I think of him I feel ridiculous for even feeling a little low on the odd day.

The biggest change that has come with motherhood in terms of 'me' is that these days I spend a lot of time alone, obviously Harry is with me but he's still young and sleeps a lot so often I feel quite alone. In my former life, I was a busy PR girl with a hectic social life who was out at least 3 nights a week and also the centre of any party. I've never been someone who enjoys my own company, I love being surrounded by people so I've really noticed the change. These days things are rather different, I spend 
my days with my little boy, feeding, changing and cuddling him and my evening's with my husband eating dinner, watching a little TV and getting to bed as early as possible to feel refreshed for the next day. Every day I do try and do one social thing, I meet with my antenatal friends, or other mummy friends or spend time with my mum & dad who thankfully live very close, but the alone time is weird. In some ways I utterly love it, so much bonding time with my wee man, time to think, time to sit and read a magazine and chat to other mummy's across coffee shops... but there are moments when I can't get over how different my life is now. It's quite an insular life, my lovely mummy friends love to hear news about Harry's development, issues, poos, wees, feeds, sleeps and so on but my other friends certainly aren't as interested and let's be honest, who can blame them? Sometimes I am every bored listening to myself go on!

Another change that at times gets me down is worry. I don't know about other mummy's but I find myself obsessing like mad about how much my son eats, sleeps and poos. This weeks example... since moving onto formula, we've been giving Harry one particular brand of pre-made form. For many reasons we decided to try and get him onto powder last week over one unsuccessful attempt a few weeks back. After 10 days of trial, several sleepless nights and some of the most painstaking feeds of all time (we are talking hours) we've switched back to pre-made and my boy is once again loving his food. Everyone told me to persevere, once again I should have trusted my instincts and I'm a little disappointed with myself that I didn't. This is just one example of many. I am a very confident mum and am blessed with a very easy son but there are times when I worry so much that it gets me a little down and the funny thing is, I know all the answers. I don't need to look on websites, or ask friends or experts for advice, I have strong instincts and know my boy so well, but a society of Goggle'rs has led us to question every little decision we make and worry about every little cough our babies have!

The final culprit for the low days. SLEEP DEPRIVATION. I am not someone who needs a lot of sleep and actually since having Harry I've realised that I don't need as much sleep as I thought I did. Having said that, there have been days, for example when moving Harry into his crib, or trying to get him to sleep through the night, when I've had to function on practically no sleep. These days are very hard and lead to a very moody mummy. 

Mums, I salute you. Looking after little babies is hard. Maternity leave is tough, not a year to put your feet up and relax. These little ones take a lot of time and attention, of course it is the most rewarding and magical time of my life but I want to acknowledge the tough times, the hard times, when we feel a little down as no one talks about it as it might make us look ungrateful or feel like failures or bad mummy's. It's mostly fun and games this parenting lark, but not all ;-)

Here's a little snap of me and my boy (the first snap of me I've shared on here), on a particularly good day.

Night all x

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