I'm scared

After weeks of denial "it can't be that bad" and avoidance "what's the point worrying about something that has to happen" the fear has finally hit me. 

In truth, I am utterly terrified about the whole thing, and there is no point trying to rationalise with me. I know that it is a means to an end, I know that there is a fab prize at the end, I know that women have been doing it forever, I know that women give birth all over the world in varying conditions and in most cases it is absolutely fine.

I know the facts. 

I know the stats. 

It isn't that I am worried that something will go wrong. I have every faith in medical professionals (and medicine for that matter) I suppose for me, it is the fear of the unknown. As you may know, if you've read the blog before, I am quite the control freak and 'somewhat' neurotic. These attributes pose several issues with regards to labour. Issue 1, I can't control when it will happen. This is most distressing for someone like me. Issue 2, I am worried about how I will behave. Whilst I hope that I am rationale, and mature. I fear I will not be. I fear I will panic and become overly stressed and start saying all sorts of mad things.

In this weeks antenatal class, we talked a lot about labour. The different stages, the various breathing techniques etc. Whilst this is all wonderfully interesting and useful, I know myself and therefore know that the second labour arrives, all of this will most likely disappear from my mind.

If you read my last post (the hospital bag) you'll know how super organised I am. Don't be fooled, this for me, is all psychological. The more I can plan & feel prepared the calmer I tend to be. The likelihood of me remembering one thing in my bag (well bags) on the day is very small. Whilst normally my over zealousness with regards to planning provides a long stretch of calm, this time it hasn't really worked. 

I keep imagining the moment I feel that first contraction. The funny thing is that when this moment arrives, I imagine I will feel a sense of relief. At least then I will know that it is actually happening, rather than living in the dark. 

I wish I could go back to how I felt before. Entirely numb to reality. The closer I get, the more I have to deal with it otherwise I imagine I'll struggle with it even more on the day.

I am sure you'll all tell me it is fine and that worrying is pointless, but I can't help it. Consider this can of worms officially opened!!!! 

The Hospital Bag

As last weeks anti-natal class was focused on "the hospital bag" this week, I've made it my mission to get it sorted. It's not that I've been putting it off up until now, it's more that I know myself. I know that the minute I decided to get it packed, my obsession with it would kick off. 

This is a bit embarrassing, but the other reason that it's taken a while for me to sort is because I've been waiting for the 'green light'. I always get made fun of by the hubs and my mum for doing everything so early. I pack roughly a week in advance for holiday's, I lay out clothes the day before a big event, I even lay the table (sometimes days) in advance of friends coming over for dinner. What can I say, I am a planner... it's just me.

It would be a lie to say that, whilst up until last week I hadn't actually started packing the bag... nothing was done in preparation. Over the last few weeks I've been speaking to a number of mummy friends, reading blogs, books etc collating everyone's advice to create one master list. This was aided considerably at last week's anti-natal class when certain questions I had were answered and more advice was imparted.

So, here it is. My hospital bag list which is everything but alphabetised. A lot of women I am sure have their own views on what is necessary, I imagine half of this stuff isn't 100% necessary but I am someone who feels comforted by lists & stuff and now that everything is now tightly packed into my two separate bags (See below for an explanation) I do feel 'a little' less overwhelmed than I have been feeling of late.

BAG 1: LABOUR BAG

- 2x nighties

- Energy drinks & bendy straws (for birthing partner to hold for you dependant on the position you are most comfortable in)

- Hair bands (dependant on hair length!)

- Barley sugar (boosts energy & apparently ok to take regardless of medication)

- Dextrose tablets (to energise birthing partner)

- Evian spray (chill if possible in advance or upon arrival at hospital for relief during labour)

- Ice packs for back ache (I have the ones that you sort of break to make them go cold)

- Music

- Camera

BAG 2 - HOSPITAL BAG 

FOR BABY

- Newborn nappies (I went with Pampers No1.)

- Baby wipes

- Sudocrem

- Antibacterial wipes (for hygienic purposes)

- Vaseline

- Cellular blankets x2

- Baby vests x3

- Baby grows x3

- Baby hat x2

- Muslins x2
- Going home outfit

(It seems like a lot but you don't 100% know how long you'll be staying)

FOR ME

- PJs (some women opt for nighties for ease, I am just more comfy in PJs)

- Nipple cream 

- Breast pads

- Sanitary towels (I went for normal pads rather than the big maternity ones, they were a bit overwhelming, I packed x3 packs)

- E45 (apparently skin gets very dry after labour)

- 2x nursing bras

- Towels (if you plan to have a bath afterwards)

- Lavender oil (apparently soothing in a bath after labour)

- Snacks and drinks (for you and birthing partner, I went for cereal bars, rice crispy treats and Lucozade)

- Note pad & pen 

- Cotton wool balls

- Arnica 

- Overnight toiletries

- Slippers and flip flops (flip flops for shower)

- 4x black knickers that you can chuck after

- Change of clothes for me and birthing partner (hubs)

- Feeding pillow

I know it sounds like a lot, but I like to be prepared for everything!!! 

Here is a real insight into my neurotic personality, not only has this list been typed up and printed ready to slot into the correct bag but I've put each item into an individually labeled zip lock bag... 'Why', you might ask? This is for ease, I didn't want to take (I also had no choice unless I wanted to take 3 suitcases) all the packaging with me for everything, so breast pads, sanitary towels etc have been removed from their packaging and I just thought it easier to do it this way so the hubs knows exactly what is what! 

In case you're interested, I have a separate list on the go of key items to have at home, not everything on this list has been purchased to date but I am working my way through it. It is my baby shower next week so I'll focus more on this list after that, as I imagine some of it will be ticked off then.

THINGS TO HAVE AT HOME

MEDICAL

- Baby Calpol

- Card"e cap cream

- Digital forehead/ear thermometer

- Baby nail clippers/file

- Steriliser

- Bottle warmer

- Bottle brush

- Bottles and newborn teats

- Aptamil 1 powder (for back up)

- Plastic washing up bowl

BATHING

- Cotton wool balls

- Baby olive oil

- Baby bath wash

- Baby bath

- Bath thermometer

- Baby towels

CLOTHING

- Vests

- Babygrows

- Cardigans

- Socks

SLEEPING

- Moses basket

- Fitted sheets for Moses basket x3

- 2x cellular blankets

- Muslins x20

Room thermometer

TRAVELLING

- Pram

- Car seat

- Isofix base

- Changing mat & bag

PLAYTIME

- Playmat

- Bouncy chair

- Toys

- Swing chair

OTHER

- Sangenic bin

There you have it, everything that I HOPE I need for Baby J. As I say, some of it is probably unnecessary but I always like to be & feel prepared!

The one thing not on my list is a breast pump... I 100% want to breastfeed but until I know I can I am not going to buy one. I feel that if I have one, I will feel pressured by it (silly I know). Most of my friends purchase their breast pump well in advance of labour, but as I always say, each to their own. We have a Mothercare just down the road so I plan to send the hubs to pick one up if & when I need it.

I hope this is helpful.. I will say this. With 5 weeks to go, and nerves/reality starting to kick in, writing this list, doing all the shopping (I did one big online shop on Boots.com and then shopped around for the additions) and putting everything together was very lethargic and has made me feel a little more relaxed. That's just me, nothing makes me happier than list making and ticking ;-) I really am selling myself aren't I!!!

It's a numbers game...

5 weeks, 6 days...

The number of weeks and days pregnant I was when I first discovered the news.

5 weeks, 6 days...

The remaining number of weeks and days of my pregnancy (if Baby J arrives on time)

It's funny really isn't it, those first 5 weeks and 6 days of my pregnancy flew by, largely because I had no idea I was in fact carrying a little foetus at that point! )needless to say, the days and weeks that followed before the 3 month scan most certainly made up for the blissful ignorance of the early days)

The remaining 5 weeks and 6 days of my pregnancy, I am assured by a number of trustworthy sources will do anything but fly by. 

Personally, I still find that days are whizzing by and I am still very light on my feet, enjoying exercise and mobility as much as the next girl. I am sure though, that as the days go by, and Baby J continues to bloom I will feel more and more sluggish and that magic day will seem like it's never going to arrive.

Pregnancy is a numbers game.

A waiting game broken up by milestones, milestones only achieved by time. The 3 month scan, the 20 week scan, the growth scan, the kick first felt at week XXX, the days his nose is formed, the stage at which is bones develop, the early days when you first hear a heartbeat and so on.

I often joke that food defines my pregnancy (not the act of eating... this time, the references made in all the books to various fruits & vegetables at different stages of the babies development... a cantaloupe, a lettuce, a tomato, a sweet potato and so on) it really is time. 

Time defines which fruit or veggie baby's size resembles that week and time dependant on your situation can either disappear on you in the blink of a hat, or it can draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag... like those science lessons that (for me) were spent clock watching in agony...

I hope this isn't one of those things where i've spoken it now, so it will come true... like up until now I've not bragged about how quick my pregnancy has been but now that I've openly posted about it my luck will change and the pace will slow down... considerably.

One thing I do know is that time is running out so I've got to get my act together. In truth, those fears I've read about in all those books are starting to sink in... I don't really know what I am doing... yes I am buying all the gear, now drive a suitable mummy mobile and have a pretty little nursery all ready, but what do I really know about being a parent? 

Up until last week's anti natal class I thought that my water would break in a dramatic fashion either in the middle of Tesco's or whilst out to dinner with a group of friends, that I'd be a laughing stock and shock the world into rushing me to hospital for the imminent birth of Baby J... how wrong I was. Yes this might happen... but it most likely won't. As an impatient person I fear that the reality of labour is going to be a tough one for me to deal with!!!!

I wonder what I'll learn at the class tonight?? Hopefully more dreaded truths about things I don't know.

5 weeks, 6 days...

The number of weeks and days pregnant I was when I first discovered the news.

5 weeks, 6 days...

The remaining number of weeks and days of my pregnancy

5 weeks, 6 days...

The time I have to prepare myself for the biggest change I'll ever face & the time I have to learn how to be a parent.... hopefully a good one.

Suddenly I'm hoping he's late...

Getting back on the horse

Throughout my pregnancy, people have been telling me the importance of exercise. How good it is for me & Baby J, how much easier it will make labour if I am fit and so on.

Truth be told, 33 weeks ago I was the fittest I have ever been. In the run up to my wedding, I went on an exercise overload and for the first time in my life started to really enjoy that burning sensation felt from a serious workout session.  

Like most women, I was terrified the first three months of pregnancy. Given my situation (falling pregnant having JUST come off the pill i.e. without a natural bleed) the risk of miscarriage in my case was higher than usual so the last thing on my mind was a good workout. I could barely get through my commute without breaking into a sweat for fear of being pushed or tripped by some vicious commuter.



After getting through the stress of the first three months, the second trimester hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was shattered. I may not have suffered morning sickness, but I certainly suffered exhaustion. Work at this point was tough. By 3pm I was dizzy & dazed feeling almost jet lagged. As I am sure you can imagine, exercise was once again the last thing on my mind.

I honestly was worried most days that I would fall asleep in a meeting. I am bad sleeper generally so used to feeling a bit rough, but this was something else. This actually hurt.

You know that thing where you sort of drift off whilst sitting or standing up but are quickly jolted back to reality with a head flick? I am not sure I have described that very well, but that's what happened to me, all the time. Walking for 10 minutes "did me in" for the day which I found pretty tough as I am an active person. I rush around (normally) at 100 miles per hour juggling several things at once so this feeling of fatigue that I just couldn't fight was new to me and if I am honest a little upsetting. I decided to embrace it rather than getting to upset by my new reality by eating all those delicious treats I'd deprived myself of forever... if I was going down, I was going down in style! (This was short lived, but wonderful!)



I am not sure if it's stopping work, or if it's the joys of the third trimester BUT my energy level has taken a shift for the better in the last few weeks.

Yes, I've had a few sleepless nights, (I imagine that's normal) but I can honestly say that over the last few days I've felt more like the old me than I have during the entire pregnancy. Ironic I know as Baby J is now the size of a watermelon and I am officially a pro-waddler.

Not only have I felt like me, but I've craved that sweat that can only be achieved through a good workout. Being 33 weeks pregnant this is a tough craving to fulfil but one I cracked today.
As ever I woke early. 

I thought that maternity leave would mean long days filled with reality TV and grazing on rubbish food, but I've realised that my days literally fly by. Given our recent large purchases e.g. our first home, money is tight at the moment so I can't go on shopping sprees or long lunches with friends. I am being the most careful I've ever had to be which is challenging but achievable with careful planning.
If you know me, you know I love food so a large part of my day is spent preparing dinners, making pack lunches for the hubs or preparing meals for when Baby J is here... it is actually really fun working to such a tight budget... it feels like I am achieving something everyday!

Anyway, as I was saying I woke early today. After breakfast and my morning chores (washing, ironing etc) I decided to do a pilates DVD. It's one I was given ages ago but never tried.. Erin O'Brien's "Complete Pregnancy Fitness". It was weird digging out my old workout gear... it really has been a while!

I was a little nervous at first that I'd really struggle, but I had nothing to worry about. I am still (weirdly) fit and loved every second of it. It was more intense than I thought it would be, but I can't tell you how good it felt to sweat again!!! She starts off slow in the DVD but there is a good fifteen minutes of proper exercise, followed by a long but needed cool down session. 

For a while, I really wanted to find a class I could go to do yoga, pilates or something similar. I have to say though, doing it in your own home is so much more pleasant (not to mention convenient) No one was judging me, I could break whenever I needed the loo (a lot!) and the best part... it cost nothing!



Once I'd finished, I went and met a friend to walk his dog in the park. I ruined a perfectly good pair of trainers (soaked through and so so muddy) but it was great and I can't tell you how much better I feel having done some real exercise rather than yoga (which is fab, but doesn't quite get the heart racing) or light walking.

Part of the reason I wanted to write this blog post, was to remind myself (on tired days) just how good exercise can feel and how important it is for the body as well as the mind. I feel energised but relaxed, happy yet calm.

(For your reference, the image above is not fairytale. This was my tube stop for some time and this was my reality on an almost daily basis)

I'm all set tomorrow to do it all over again ;-) I really hope I keep it up!

Style over substance?

Before you ask, this blog post is not a homage to Frances from the British Bake Off... it is actually car related! I am pleased to say that after months of discussion, deliberation and well, debate our family car has now been purchased!

In case you are unfamiliar with our story, here is a little recap. The hubs and I return from our wonderful honeymoon, which followed are spectacular wedding and found ourselves rather down in the dumps...

Life was back to normal, and that feeling of elevation had well and truly faded. A week or so before the  wedding Percy had packed in. Percy was my long time partner in crime. My little Polo that had taken me through my teenage years... off to University and back again, and accompanied me through most of my twenties. After a sad farewell, we parted. 

As we always have had one, we felt it important that we had a car (although at this point we were living in a flat close to town so didn't REALLY need one).  To cheer ourselves up from the post wedding blues, we decided to treat ourselves to a fancy pants car. Now please note, at this point I was in fact pregnant but utterly oblivious to the fact. 

In a moment of madness, we purchased a second hand Audi TT and suddenly felt on top of the world. Weekend driving trips around Europe were being planned, and we felt excited again. 

This feeling was short lived. 

A week or so after purchasing our new toy, we discovered I was pregnant. After the emotional roller coaster slowed, and the reality of having a baby started to sink in, we realised that our lovely car was pretty much the most impractical car on the road. Whilst it isn't pitched as a two seater, the back seats are so tiny (so not compatible with a car seat!) Even if they were, the front seats only bend forward, they don't roll so you'd most likely injure a baby, and yourself in the process of trying to get the child in!

For a long time, we decided to ignore the issue and plan everything for Baby J aside from this.

Over the last few months, the subject has come up again and again. The problem is that we are both young and both felt that we weren't ready for the "big family car".

We looked at a lot of cars. Yes a number of them looked cooler/funkier than the big space wagon types but given that we'd agreed to keep the TT (we couldn't face selling it so soon and losing so much money on it! plus the hubs really loves that car) I really didn't want to make another mistake. I also am not one of these people who wants to change their car every few years. 

This weekend our research came to a head. 

Cars had been test driven, arguments had been had and research (price, safety etc) has been conducted.

It came down to two cars for us.

The Golf Vs. the Qashqai

One is obviously the younger, trendier car. The other is practical, safe and something we could keep for a long long time.

One more test drive??

After whizzing around town in the Golf, I had one more hard look at the boot space. We'd taken our pram with us to get a real sense of space. After angling it in, and seeing the majority of the boot filled up, I had to listen to my head over my heart. Baby J is (I hope) the start of our family, not the end and I need a car that can be with us for the foreseeable future.

So, in the battle of the The Golf Vs. the Qashqai, the Qashqai won. 

If I am honest, it is a little terrifying. I am still in my twenties after all and I am driving what I class as a "mummy car" but I am very soon to be a mummy and this is, I hope the first of many mature decisions I will have to make.

I imagine you all think I am a little nuts... who thinks this hard about their car choice? Who ties the decision to so many factors? 

The answer is me...

No longer and I the girl about town, running to meetings in my heels, constantly attached to my phone. I am now a wife, and nearly a mother living in the burbs with two key roles (for the next little while anyway) looking after Baby J & the hubs and I know that this car is going to help me do it. 

Hopefully it will help me do it for lots more babies too ;-)

Braxton Hicks

Up until earlier this evening, I was led (by my body) to believe that "Braxton Hicks" was another delightful pregnancy symptom destined to pass me by. 

I've been spared a lot of the negative symptoms thus far, such as morning sickness, nausea, stretch marks... my belly button has even popped out yet, so stupidly assumed that because they hadn't hit yet... they wouldn't.

 Not only was I wrong, but I learned that my pain tolerance is even lower than I thought. It's funny, there have been so many things that I've read about online, and in my library of books that I've not experienced that at times I've felt a little detached from other pregnant women.

The books told me that Braxton Hicks could kick off any time from the 20 week mark, as I am now into my 33rd week... I assumed my time had passed. This evening it happened. It's funny how much more you worry about things when your pregnant. 

If I wasn't pregnant, the pain would I am sure have been dismissed as relatively bad period pains. That's what they feel like. The only difference is, that this pain let's up a little. It sort of comes in waves (as I imagine contractions do) the pain lasted around 30 seconds and sort of felt like my entire uterus was ceasing up. After 30 seconds (I may be exaggerating here... it felt like 30 seconds but knowing me was actually 15) the pain subsided for a few minutes before starting again. This went on for 15 minutes or so, by which time I'd tweeted (thank you to those who responded, very comforting & informative) read a bunch of articles, facetimed my mum in Miami, whatsapp'd my mother in law and texted two friends, both of whom are new-ish mums. 

What did I learn from this panicked research? 

I was of course fine, and this was of course normal. 

In fact, it's better than normal. My body is preparing for labour and the more this happens, the more "ready" for my labour my uterus will apparently be.

This week I have experienced two new things. 1. Braxton Hicks (which my body is still recovering a little from) 2. hiccups.

Baby J has had hiccups 4 times in 2 days. For me... Baby J's hiccups are a wonderful thing for me to experience. They are a reminder that this pregnancy really isn't about me... it is about him and they are a reminder that he is a real little person living inside of me. 

As silly as it sounds, I believe that a lot of people get caught up in the pregnancy/labour experience when really it is about one thing... the baby. Whilst my pain threshold is low and I am sure that labour will be unpleasant (to say the least) I will not (and I hope you won't either) be forced by books or opinions to lose sight of what's important.

Recently a lot of people have handed me advice (opinions) about labour, breast feeding, motherhood and so on...

" you must have an epidural"

"under no circumstances have an epidural"

"breast feeding is vital for a new born baby"
"you have to get them into a routine from day 1"

The way I currently feel is this... I have no birth plan (don't get me wrong, I have done my research and know what sort of thing I want but nothing is written or concrete)

My plan is to see how I feel on the day and not put too much pressure on myself. Yes I'd love to go through labour with no pain relief (having said that, if tonight's pain is anything to go by, I imagine I'll be crying out for drugs!!) and breast feed Baby J immediately but life isn't perfect and I just can't stand the pressure. 

As my due date looms I will not allow myself to be fearful about labour, I am solely focused on what comes after. I will not watch 'one born every minute' & I will not be told what to do or not do. I will listen to advice and stories, I love advice and stories, that's why we are all here and why we all talk to each other but I don't think scaring or bullying each other is right... it just makes the whole thing too scary and too easy to fail at... 

Back to reality...

Due to the holiday's BumpMoirs has taken a slight backseat over the last few weeks to eating, eating and well more eating! Now that my mat leave has properly kicked in and my plans are slowing, I am sure I will find more time to blog and share stories before the immanent arrival of my little boy.

The break has been fantastic, exactly what I needed. Some quality time with the hubs, the family and good friends.  After the "BabyMoon" (which was just wonderful) the hubs and I headed to his hometown from some family time with the in-laws. I always like getting out of London, whilst home time flies and days disappear so fast. When out of London days just seem longer and more relaxing. The hubs is always so happy when he's home too, he loves his family so much and adores spending time with them which is so wonderful to see and be part of.  It was a great few days that were followed by more great days back home.

Christmas day was supreme. My mum is a superb cook and prepared a festive feast for 25 family members which was hoovered down by all in record time. I was so full after Christmas dinner that I suffered stomach pains for a good few hours after eating!!!

The days that followed all of sort of rolled into one. All I remember is a lot of leftovers, a lot of engagements, a few babies and a lot of movies on the couch with the Hubs.

I suppose the most significant thing that was achieved over the break was completing Baby J's nursery. It all sort of came together one day (after the hubs built the crib and changing table, both Mamas & Papas in case you're keen... in fact most of the nursery items were purchased from there!)

The first time I saw it finished I welled up with delight. I can't believe it's finished. If I look back just a few weeks and think of the developments we've made to our new home I just can't believe it. We've literally gone from a building site, to a near finished (rather stylish if I do say so myself) home and it really does feel like home. 

With just over 7 weeks to go until we finally get to meet to Baby J, I am thrilled with the position we are in. I really didn't think it would all come together so soon. And before you say it, I am fully aware that the nursery won't stay pristine (or white for that matter) for very long, but it's lovely for now!

In case you're interested... here's a taster of the rest of our house...

I've never really been into design, but suddenly I am loving it.... I think I am forcing myself to be into it so that it feels like a fun project rather than a stressful task! to be honest, the main reason why these things are usually stressful is not having the time to do things properly... I can hardly complain about that now can I!

It's funny going through all these days and these tasks whilst pregnant. On the one hand, this pregnancy has flown by... on the other it feels as if I've been pregnant for ever. I can't remember my life (or my body!) before, and let's be honest, everything is effected when pregnant. It seems to come into every decision I make, every morsel I eat and drink and well everything I do! Not to say I am too obsessive (well I am) it is more that it is always there and always a factor.

Pregnancy really does prepare for you motherhood doesn't it? 

Whilst my relationship with the hubs is so wonderful and so close and I am constantly thinking and worrying about him... it is different with Baby J. I am even more passionate, caring and loving towards a bump on my body than I have ever been towards anything in my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... pregnancy is so wonderful and something I'll truly miss.... I can only imagine how spectacularly wonderful being a mother will be.

Apologies for today's rather rambling blog post. With so many days away from BumpMoirs I've had lots of thoughts and feelings which are all sort of jumbled together in this post... I hope it at least makes sense!!!